Sometimes I feel like my heart is breakingI think this pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately, about multiple people. I definitely tend to have rose-colored hindsight, and romanticize relationships/friendships gone past.
Aching, taking out my pain on me.
Sometimes I can't abide the missing of you,
Wishing of you, your absence so strong in me.
Tremulous memories of you like a breeze of blades,
Shades over everything I know to be true of you.
I tend to selectively remember only the good, the lovely, the reasons I loved them, not the reasons I left them.
Sometimes I miss people that have no right to be in my life. Sometimes I miss people that I've outgrown. Sometimes I miss people that have redeemed themselves, but have outlived their place in my life. Sometimes I just miss people, good-hearted people, that I've lost contact with.
What's hard for me is and always has been knowing who gets to stay and who needs to be left behind.
A big part of that has to do with my own self-respect, and recognizing what I shouldn't stand for.
I've gotten better at it over the years, thank God.
But sometimes what's best for me isn't always the thing I want. Sometimes, the best thing is the hardest. Sometimes the best thing means letting go of someone I've grown dependent on, or worse, letting go of someone genuinely beloved.
And that's heart breaking, because I do still love many of the people that have been phased out of my life, and probably always will, for the rest of my life. Some have gone merely because we have gotten older, but I know that I can always count on them to be there, one quick text away. And that's reassuring, because I know that these people deserve to be in my life, because they have always been there for me, giving and loving. But some have gone because of specific choices that they or I have made, and choices that have become permanent.
The hard part is recognizing that it's a good thing.
Because sometimes all I want is someone that is bad for me.
